Becoming Aware

I would like to write about my thoughts of late.

If you have read this post, and this post, you know that a few weeks ago, I made it a priority to "arouse my faculties...(and) give place for a portion of (God's) words" (Alma 32:27). I wrote down my negative, damaging thoughts, and sought advice from close friends in replacing them. I made it a matter of prayer and study and priority.

It hurt.

I had never allowed that I was of value. Not for an extended amount of time, at least ;).

So there was a certain amount of trepidation in stepping out into darkness and trusting that God would catch me in this effort.

And He did. Oh my goodness, I am so grateful.


He showed me secrets.

One night, as I held my sweet baby in my room, I happened to glance up to a mirror on my dresser. In surprise, I saw a young, beautiful mother holding and comforting her child. Just as God would have it. It was beautiful. I kept hearing someone speaking DEEP in my heart and mind in a way I couldn't deny, "This is beautiful. It is time you believed that. It is time."

I cried, of course. I cry. Sorry.

Every day, when a negative, normally horrible thought would try to make it's way into my consciousness, I would make an effort to channel that memory instead. And it would wash over me, changing me. Changing all my feelings. Calming me. Enveloping me in God's infinite love for me. God's love is so unending! For each of us! I couldn't believe how I had been missing out on this my whole life! All because of my choice to listen to other voices instead!

What?

But let me tell you something. Old habits die hard. And as soon as I stopped that daily effort to "arouse (my) faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith..." I found that I was telling myself that thinking of God's love for me too often was surely a mistake. That it would make me prideful, I should not think too much of myself too often. And I believed these lies.

This morning, as I studied the wonderful scripture in Alma 32:27, quoted throughout this post, I was freed from these lies! What a blessing it is to KNOW that what God wants me to do is focus on Him, and all He has to say to me.

Daily effort, I will be back.