Going Back

Okay, so I have decided to go back in my journal, and post about what brought me to decide to make a list of my negative thoughts, and replace them with truth. (This is NOT what my journal looks like. Credit to walmart.com for photo)

I have been studying the Addiction Recovery Program manual for some time now (and attending meetings, thank you very much). Over the summer I made it all the way to Step Six or Seven, and then, the manual was speaking gibberish. Okay, the MANUAL wasn't speaking gibberish, but that was what it felt like when I would read it. Lost.

So, I went back and started at the beginning again. And I have been on step one for about a MONTH and a HALF! Because, oh my goodness! There is so much information I missed here! So much work I didn't do! Who knew! God knew, so he made the later steps sound like gibberish. To humble me so I would go back to step one and complete it.

I was pondering PRIDE.

Because step one speaks of PRIDE.

I was trying to figure out how pride plays a role in my particular addiction. (which is, if you haven't been following along, an addiction to perfection. To telling myself all sorts of negative things. It is awful.)

So on page two of "the manual",

It says this,

"Pride and honesty cannot coexist."

I wrote in my journal this on Tuesday, October the 6th.

"I need to come to terms with the FACT that I am LYING when I am being negative towards myself."

SO, I thought, if this part of the definition of PRIDE applies to my addiction, I wonder what other parts do.

SO, on with the definition.

"The central feature of pride is enmity-- enmity toward God and enmity toward out fellowmen. Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.' It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us."

I thought about that phrase. This part really stuck out to me,

"hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition..."


This exactly describes my negative thoughts towards myself!

I can't tell you the way this realization shocked me. I had never thought of it in this way before!

When I think of my addiction as Pride, it allows me to apply the entire definition of pride to myself and it speaks to my soul. It illuminates it.

So, now I also know this,

"It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us."

This leaves a sharp, painful feeling in my heart.

It makes me feel sick.

All these years, I have been GIVING Satan power to do what he will. It disgusts me.

That he laughs when I criticise.

At his power to pursuade me.

I didn't even know!

This day, prompted me to action.

I could not give this to him anymore!

But how to change what I had done for so long????

So, my quest for truth has begun.

To break my pride cycle.

To fill in the spaces with truth!

Wish me luck! (which is code for, "pray for me!" )
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