Gibberish

My manual was speaking gibberish again.



I was finishing up step 3, and by golly, I swear it WAS NOT speaking English!!!!



I know what that means now, though--- it means I need to start over.



Start over where? The beginning of the step? The beginning of the manual? I hashed out step one pretty well this last time, so maybe Chapter 2? Hmmm...



Oh, and negative thoughts were berating me, telling me I OUGHT to be PeRfEcT by NOW, right? Right? So, why aren't you perfect, Chelsie? Why do you make the same mistakes? Why do you take refuge in your addictions during times of stress? You KNOW better. Maybe this program isn't going to work for you after all? Maybe it is hopeless? I mean, it is speaking GIBBERISH, after all. Goodness...



I decided to mull it over at church.



Then, I ended up attending the combined Relief Society and Priesthood lesson, since I am all released from my calling and stuff. Apparently, all you have to do is tell the right people you are a BIT stressed out, and you are released lickety split around here.



So, off to my meetings I went. No calling except Visiting Teaching to worry over.





Weird.



And the bishop was teaching.



And it was beautiful poetry to my ears. Exactly what I needed.



God is SO good.



The lesson spoke of the Fourth Article of Faith.



"Can anyone quote it?", he asked.



All heads bowed in immediate contemplation over shoe laces and how all are different.



Fed up, spunky, intelligent friend, seminary teacher, D. spoke up,



"We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are



First- Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ,



Second- Repentance



Third-Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins,



Fourth- Laying of of hands for the Gift of the Holy Ghost"







"Good," the Bishop said.



"So, what does the first step mean?"



We spoke of faith. And someone mentioned we should have faith to repent. Another mentioned, "Well, we really need to have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, which will lead to repentance, which will lead to Baptism, which will lead to getting the Gift of the Holy Ghost"



Excellent answer.



The bishop agreed, and had that person stand up and repeat the wonderful answer.



This got me thinking,



"Do I have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ?" Yes. Is it really that simple? Yes.



The bishop then asked us how OfTeN should we repent?



One woman spoke of how she repents daily, at her bedside when the day is over. She spoke of what a sacred experience this is to her.



It sounded nice.



But in my heart, I thought of how discouraging it was at the end of the day to find myself again on my knees, saying sorry for the same things I was sorry about yesterday... I thought,



"This doesn't work for me..."



The Bishop again asked,



"So, how often?"



I had a thought,



Right after I do something wrong would be good.



And others started to raise their hands and echo my thoughts.



SO, it reminded me, again, that repentance isn't meant to be a one time thing, but a process throughout life and into the Eternities of slowly working hard every moment until we can stand before our maker. And He will say, "Well done."



"SO,



Faith,



Repentance,



Then what?" The Bishop asked.



"Baptism," the answer from a hand raiser.



He then explained how after we are baptised, we take the sacrament each Sunday. Which represents all the covenants we made at Baptism.



Hmmm...



"So, how do we know we are worthy to take the sacrament?" One brave hand raiser asked.



The smart Bishop turned it over to us to answer.



Many hands raised, many opinions were given, both scholarly and testimonial (my favorite always being the testimonial kind...) But my mind was far away...



The spirit took it back to the beginning of class and my notes. And I had this one, clarifying thought,



If we are working to have faith in The Lord Jesus Christ and repenting each time we are aware we have done something wrong, we can know we are worthy of the Sacrament, and take it. And be filled with the Holy Ghost to strengthen us for another week.



And become more fully unspotted by the world as we do so.



Lovely.



I love going to Church.

Lunch

I read the most irrisistable articles in my December Ensign this afternoon!

The one I want to write about is By Elder Russel M Nelson called

"The Power and Protection of Worthy Music" (click on the link to read)

Oooh, it was good.

It inspired me to find the BYU music channel and put it on the TV.

It is so accessible and easy, but I must admit, Mr. Incredible is the only person who has ever used it in our home. He puts in on every Sunday morning as we get ready for church.

Another incredible resource for quick inspirational music is Pandora. I recommend trying out a Carpenters, Christmas Portrait channel. Mmmmm.... Carpenters Christmas music. Oh, the childhood memories... Good job, W., always having the christmas music blasting. It shaped my childhood memories into good ones.

And worthy music is on right now. Filling our home with Power and Protection. My spirit sighs in relief. Especially when the Hymns play.

I loved how Elder Nelson described his Christmas gift that he gave to his family in 2007.

"I sat at the piano and recorded a variety of music that I had sung or played to the children through the years. "

He gave each of them a CD.

How neat is that gift? The gift of the opportunity to feel the spirit.

I love Christmas.

What is your favorite music to guide the spirit to your family in the home?

3 Nephi 9:22

"...whoso repenteth and cometh unto me as a little child, him will I receive, for of such is the kingdom of God.



Behold, for SUCH have I laid down my life, and have taken it up again..."



For SUCH.

When I am down,

when I have done wrong,


and I am trying to repent,



I would do well to remember

"For SUCH have I laid down my life, and have taken it up again..."

He laid down His life for just such a situation.

Who am I to doubt it?

Becoming Aware

I would like to write about my thoughts of late.

If you have read this post, and this post, you know that a few weeks ago, I made it a priority to "arouse my faculties...(and) give place for a portion of (God's) words" (Alma 32:27). I wrote down my negative, damaging thoughts, and sought advice from close friends in replacing them. I made it a matter of prayer and study and priority.

It hurt.

I had never allowed that I was of value. Not for an extended amount of time, at least ;).

So there was a certain amount of trepidation in stepping out into darkness and trusting that God would catch me in this effort.

And He did. Oh my goodness, I am so grateful.


He showed me secrets.

One night, as I held my sweet baby in my room, I happened to glance up to a mirror on my dresser. In surprise, I saw a young, beautiful mother holding and comforting her child. Just as God would have it. It was beautiful. I kept hearing someone speaking DEEP in my heart and mind in a way I couldn't deny, "This is beautiful. It is time you believed that. It is time."

I cried, of course. I cry. Sorry.

Every day, when a negative, normally horrible thought would try to make it's way into my consciousness, I would make an effort to channel that memory instead. And it would wash over me, changing me. Changing all my feelings. Calming me. Enveloping me in God's infinite love for me. God's love is so unending! For each of us! I couldn't believe how I had been missing out on this my whole life! All because of my choice to listen to other voices instead!

What?

But let me tell you something. Old habits die hard. And as soon as I stopped that daily effort to "arouse (my) faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith..." I found that I was telling myself that thinking of God's love for me too often was surely a mistake. That it would make me prideful, I should not think too much of myself too often. And I believed these lies.

This morning, as I studied the wonderful scripture in Alma 32:27, quoted throughout this post, I was freed from these lies! What a blessing it is to KNOW that what God wants me to do is focus on Him, and all He has to say to me.

Daily effort, I will be back.

Ah Stumped Again...

How can the gift of divine strength enable you to maintain continuous recovery?

Stumped.

This is a question asked in the Addiction Recovery Manual offered by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Oh sure, I know the Sunday School answer. But that isn't the point of this manual, now is it? I felt that if I knew the answer to this question, I would be maintaining a continuous recovery already, not waffling back and forth.

Don't get me wrong, God has already given me strength and wisdom to make strides. But I feel I still have a long way to go in the MAINTENANCE area, you know what I mean. It is what knocks at the back of my minds door, whenever I feel hope and progress. Will it be maintained over time? Will I relapse into negative thoughts again? Will I damage relationships again?

These are the thoughts I try to ignore.

So, the manual is great at making me face straight on questions I would rather ignore :).

Here is what I studied this morning.

I looked up Grace in the Bible Dictionary.

It had some wonderful things to say. I just love truth.

First, it defines Grace as a "divine means of help or strength."

It goes on to say, "...It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals,

through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and

repentance of the their sins

receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means."

(emphasis added)

So, okay, I need grace to maintain. And I have to have faith and repentance to get grace.

I love these last lines in the definition of Grace,

"... after they have expended their own best efforts... grace cannot suffice without total effort on the part of the recipient"

It gives me comfort that I have to work. I have to work.

Work feels good.

It also gives me comfort, that if I do the work,

God will take care of the rest.

So now I have an answer when doubts knock.

What about the future? Can you keep this up?

God will take care of the rest.

Oh my, my computer finally works after two weeks of being broken!

Yesterday, I was FINALLY given strength and wisdom to try something.

I was feeling stress.

I was feeling stress right as Jackson requested I join him outside.

I took some deep breaths.

I slowed down. I tried to hear the constant flow of advice from the Holy Ghost, which I am entitled to because I was baptized and confirmed.

And there it was.

Urging me, in spite of feeling tired and stressed over dinner making and laundry at the same time, to go out with him. It showed me that it was, in fact, the perfect time, as the bread in the oven would take 20 minutes anyway.

I kept taking deep breaths.

It was a high anxiety time.

It is almost every day at that time ;).

I enjoy it, though. I love the privilege of feeding good, homemade meals to my boys and husband. I allow myself to be crazy for an hour a day. The result is worth it!

I even laughed about it as I was in it yesterday.

"It's mom's time for a crazy hour," I imagined my boys at some future time saying, as I giggled.

So anyways.

Smack dab in the middle of dinner prep, Jackson begs in his best 2 year old manner, for me to push him on the swings.

The spirit, once I channeled into it, said go.

Tired. Stressed. I tried to do so.

I put him on a swing. I sat in the other.

Tyler and a neighbor friend played super heroes on the slide. I liked how they didn't mind my presence at all.

Back and forth. Back and forth.

Deep breaths. (laundry can wait)

I glaced over to Jackson.

His bright eyes smiled at me,

"It fun!" he instructs me.

I smile.

Tyler,

"Watch me, mom!" As he tries injury defying tricks on the slide.

His face.

He is thoroughly enjoying himself on that slide.

Back and forth.

I'm glad I didn't miss this moment.

Just being here, spending time with my boys.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for thy Grace.

Then, back in the house.

7 minutes left on the bread. Set the table, call the children in.

And we all sit, and relax together.

The boys full of good feelings of worth and value, and also of memories of their play.

And of their mother joining them.

We enjoyed one another.

And talk, conversation easily spred over out table because, in large, of how the lord gives me the gift of the Holy Ghost.

I'm grateful for my days.

Impossible?

I was reading in 2 Nephi Chapter 25 verse 20 in the Book of Mormon and I was pondering Moses and the Isrealites who walked through the Red Sea on dry ground.

How the Lord told them to go a seemingly impossible direction. To earthly eyes. But because He went before them, it was not only suddenly possible, but was easy.

They wouldn't have known this unless they had obeyed His voice for them.

If they had chosen another way to walk, they wouldn't have witnessed the Lord's miracle for them.

It is the same in all of our lives.